


What?

by NairobiWonders



Category: Elementary (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Or not, i can see it but it is a reach, kind of maybe out of character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 04:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13240038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NairobiWonders/pseuds/NairobiWonders
Summary: December 31st - I resolved to stop writing Elementary fic. My writing is getting stale and repetitive and I need to move on.January 1st - I wrote this. :(





	What?

"I said, put ... it ... down. I mean it, Holmes. Now!"

"Or what? You will assault me with a stream of ..." he peered at the can in Marcus' hand, "Cheezy Wiz?" He made a mental note to ask Watson how that particular product had made its entrance into their home and then returned to staring menacingly at Bell.

It was a stand off. Sherlock shifted the cream pie from one hand to the other while Marcus angled the can for better aim. 

The clunk of her boots on the stairs alerted them to an added player in their little drama and a possible additional problem, rather than solution, to their current dilemma. Still, neither broke eye contact. 

"What is taking you so long, I've been wai...ting ...." Joan stopped in mid sentence and took in the warring postures of the men, each armed with their dairy product of choice.

She stood between them. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Your boyfriend accused me of being unprofessional. Of conduct..." Marcus put on his best Holmes impersonation, " ...unbefitting the illustrious title of detective." Marcus shook the Cheezy Wiz can for emphasis without taking his eyes off Sherlock. 

Joan squinted at him, her voice calm and professional, "Marcus, have you been drinking?"

"No." Sherlock piped up. "He has not. He is merely being obstinate, refusing to acknowledge the logic behind my hypothesis." He widened his eyes in challenge at Marcus.

"So you're threatening him with a cream pie because he disagrees with you?"

He fidgeted and positioned himself behind Watson. "He started it."

Joan huffed and took the cream pie from him, "Give me that."

Marcus smiled, "Ha! Thank you, Joan."

"Stop it." She scolded Marcus and grabbed the can of spray cheese from his hand. "Sit down. Both of you. What is all this about?"

The two men stared guiltily at each other but neither said a word. 

"Come on, Sherlock. Out with it." He could never resist a straight command from her. 

He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and looked down at his hands, "Marcus posed a question, a terribly personal one I might add. He disagreed with my response to that question and the logic behind it, and threatened my person with cheese. At which point, I reached for the pie in self defense."

Joan waited for a second, then responded, "That's it?" Both men nodded. "What was the question?"

Marcus gave Sherlock his best 'don't you dare answer that' glare.

"Well?" She looked from one to the other, "I'm waiting."

"He ..."

"Holmes, don't ..."

"He asked if you and I had ever indulged in sexual intercourse."

"What?" Her face showed her complete disappointment in Marcus.

"Joan, I... I was just joking around ... I just asked, you know... I didn't ....I know it's none of my business ..." Marcus put on his most sincere face. "Holmes... he ... he got all bent out of shape, basically said I wasn't worth piss as a detective for even asking the question, and then verbally attacked ..."

"I beg to differ," Sherlock spoke over Bell. "I did not attack! I merely pointed out that he was out of his league as the saying goes. That if you had any interest in him as a sexual partner, you would have acted on it by now... and I uhh, I may have made reference to his immaturity, his young and inexperienced age and ... his height. At which point he grabbed the can of cheese in a most threatening manner... "

Joan stood quietly between the seated men. Her sinking shoulders betrayed her utter disappointment with both of them. "You are both idiots." She smashed the pie into Sherlock's face and sprayed cheese all over Marcus.

Neither were able to see properly at that moment but they heard the clunk of her heels as she angrily walked away.


End file.
